This is frustrating

Well, Cellar Door officially rejected my poems. I cannot help but feel both frustrated and irritated. Maybe I have no reason; but maybe this will make me try harder? Or, maybe try less at my verse? Ahh. I just don't know. I mean, if they want, I could try to give them some post-modern dribble all about angst, with no form and confused meanings. Some whining profundity of words that is really neo-nonsense. But I would rather write some neo-nonsense of words that is actually profundity.

I try to keep to some traditional forms, poetic movement, and structures. Ok, well not rhyme schemes, but that's something to master later. I will have the Spenserian Stanza down by August. Maybe. But really, i read this "poem" in the Carolina Quarterly's poetry section by some professor from Indiana (or some mid-west uni) that was a 2-paragraph letter to a farm-chicken. An actual letter, addressed and signed. It was bizarre, perversly sexualized, and painfully fragmented. I am sorry, but what the fuck? I want someone to tell me what the fuck it is all about. It might be meaningful, but i don't much think it is poetry.

But, truly, why do i need recognition? Trivial publication? I guess i don't need it, but i do want it. It is nice, you know? I have fallen out of a position of recognition and acclaim, since entering college. I did extremely well in high school. I was lauded, respected. I don't much feel like I am anymore. I have become lost in a university student body, known more by Personal ID number than by name, much less personality. OK, Yes, i have wonderful friends, and yes i have good relationships with certain wonderful professors. ...So, I can define myself through my own thoughts and self-impressions (ie, I can define myself to myself), but it is nice to have some reflection, however muddled, from those around you--to define myself to others. Sometimes i think this is important in Art and life, but then sometimes i think it might be completely inconsequential. I guess, all that I can know for sure is that I am at a time in my life where making myself known to others is becoming essential, even if it is only for professional and educational goals.